We Understand…
Sometimes our closest relationships become so blurred that we don’t know where we stop and the other begins. As romantic as this may sound (indeed, it is the subject of almost all love songs and romantic fiction), the reality can become a living nightmare. You bend over backward to anticipate his needs and desires, and you resent that he won’t “return the favor.” She repeatedly tells you everything is “fine” until one day her feelings come bursting forth with the fury of a thunderstorm. He constantly plays “dumb” so that you’ll take care of him.
The archetypal roles of the rescuer, the persecutor and the victim are at the root of almost all interpersonal drama. When the relationship becomes little more than a stage on which we unwittingly play these roles out, we have found ourselves in the realm of codependency. Learning to recognize these patterns in my relationships with loved ones, coworkers and even my own mind was the first step on my own healing journey, and I can say from experience that my life has never been the same.
Our Approach…
The first mistake that many people make when they learn about the dynamic of codependency in their lives is to disconnect from the drama, believing they are distancing themselves from the problem. What they don’t realize is that disconnection is often just another form of codependency. The first step to lasting healing is to do nothing more than recognize with fearless honesty and unconditional grace how we play these roles with each other in an effort to control the relationship and get our needs met. That recognition is like a method actor who has forgotten they’re playing a role suddenly remembering who they really are and beginning to live once more from their authentic self.
The most effective way of sustaining this awareness and rebuilding the relationship on the grounds of authenticity is to negotiate clear boundaries. The second pitfall that we often encounter is the belief that boundaries are fences built around the “other” to keep them from encroaching on our emotional turf. Instead, think of your boundaries as the limits you place on yourself to keep you safe from the feelings of resentment or betrayal that the drama has immersed you in. If, for example, you find yourself often playing the rescuer, a healthy boundary might be only giving as much as you are willing to give with nothing expected in return. By limiting ourselves to purely authentic behavior, and communicating that behavior through openly and honestly negotiated boundaries, we can throw away the old script and relish the spontaneity of relationship improv!